Official, spoiler-free synopsis:
If you wondered where the Hans Christian Andersen’s Snow Queen came from here is the answer of Disney. Fearless optimist Anna teams up with Kristoff in an epic journey, encountering Everest-like conditions, and a hilarious snowman named Olaf in a race to find Anna’s sister Elsa, whose icy powers have trapped the kingdom in eternal winter.
My synopsis and review (with spoilers):
Something was rotten in the Kingdom of Arendelle, a small place consisting of a royal palace, a town square with two fountains and some tenements. The rulling couple had two daughters, Elsa and Anna. The older of the two, Elsa, was special, as she was born with a power to create and control snow and ice. To me it sounded, though, as if both sisters were ill: too tiny necks attached to swollen heads and anorexic torsoes indicated some kind of serious genetic malfunction. And those saucer-big eyes. Apart from that the whole family were cramped for space but nobody said anything, just smiling awkwardly – you know those shy, introvert Scandinavian people. Oh, and so you can distinguish the girls Elsa was a platinum blonde whereas Anna had golden hair with stylish highlights.
One day, having had enough of the crappy, small palace and two sick daughters the royal couple committed a suicide. In order to keep up the appearances they went sailing but you know desperate parents when you look at them. I bet they cheered and laughed with relief when the storm was sinking their ship. The girls were left alone with nobody else to rule their little kingdom for a very long time. I guess nobody was really keen on the job. Soon enough both of them went to the dogs. Elsa, with just a rudimentary control over her freezing powers, undoubtedly based on ugly freons thus damaging the precious ozone layer, was hiding all the time in her room, sulking and plotting the world domination or embroidering white foxes and arctic bears. No, she didn’t go to school and she never looked for a tutor who might have helped her. How very mature and Disney-like, right? Do you have special powers you don’t know how to control? Sit in your room and sulk – the troubles will find you in no time.
Anna, in order to prove that she was different, became the silliest social butterfly for a change. She was manically active almost all the time as if she were on illegal stimulants. Well, perhaps it was the truth – the fact that she fell in love with the first prince she met, an individual called Hans, in less than one minute, could be the proof. So very proud of that achievement, evidently the first independent project in her life, she immediately declared the complete willingness to marry the said Hans. Hans reciprocated that feeling. Small wonder – he knew how to be a part of a large, competitive family and Anna seemed such a nice, easy way to promote himself.
They went to Elsa who had been crowned and asked for her permission. Elsa threw a fit. A frozen fit. As a result all the country went from cold to colder in no time and even the dumbest locals managed to understand that something was seriously wrong with their royal family. Like, for example, their Queen is a witch and her sister – a teenager as high as a kite and completely irresponsible. Elsa escaped the ugly reality into a dream world of permafrost created by herself high in the mountains, full of stylish ice staircases and glittering crystal chandeliers; say what you might the girl would make tons of money as an interior designer of ice-themed restaurants and hotels.
Of course curious Anna had to go for a visit. Unfortunately Elsa didn’t appreciate unannounced guests, especially that Anna dragged with her another guy she’s met, a simple, dirty peasant called Kristoff and his reindeer, Swen, not to mention a sentient snowman, undoubtedly a spy from the cold or an UFO. Elsa was of an opinion that two is company, three is a crowd and four is get-the-hell-out-of-my-place-right-now-OR-I’LL-SIC-MY-SNOW-GIANT-ON-YOU kind of situation. The whole little kingdom went into an ice age pronto and people started to think about breeding woolly mammoths or constructing an atomic power plant. Yes, they were that desperate.
Both sisters had words with each other and Anna got accidentally hit with a magic icicle. It went straight into her heart. Only a kiss of her ‘twoo lurve’ could save her. Her drug-addled brain translated it immediately into ‘Hans’. She returned to the capital only to find out that SPOILERS: 1) Hans, the ominous thirteenth brother, was a selfish, careerist swine 2) Hans didn’t love her *duh* 3) you should never invite a snowman inside 4) she was going to die very soon 5) Kristoff loved her but it’s too late now. As Anna was turning into a pretty ice sculpture Kristoff was tormenting poor Swen in order to reach the girl on time. Meanwhile Elsa, imprisoned and reduced to a jail accessories designer, decided that enough is enough. She broke free (and I wondered what took her so long, slow on the uptake, both sisters were) and everything went even colder; still some people managed to caper around without proper clothing, proving that either they were made of stone or the freezing temperatures were just a sham. Especially the women’s clothes were ridiculous: those gauzy blouses and full skirts covering naked legs, or low cut dresses, showing unprotected necks and shoulders…imagine you train your children to dress warmly during cold weather and then they go to the cinema and see THIS.
Years of proper education can go awry in minutes. Anyhoo.
The ending left me surprised but also puzzled a bit. Anna was saved because her sister SPOILER highlight to read not her love interest kisses her.Apparently there’s nothing wrong with it, nothing at all; it’s almost like in the famous Snow Queen fairy tale of Hans Christian Andersen. Instead of a brother and a sister we get two sisters so nothing untoward crosses your mind. Really nothing. Still it made me think of all those single children watching the movie and thinking they are like totally, hopelessly busted. Alternatively it also made me doubt Kristoff’s feelings and Anna’s feelings. Add to that the fact that Elsa remained emotionally remote and alone from the very beginning to the very end, attached only to her younger sister and throwing hissy fits when the said sister dared to have a male suitor and your sick imagination might start coming with dangerously adult options. Tricky, these Disney movies. Very tricky.
Final verdict or the movie in a nutshell:
I liked the visuals and animation the best: Elsa’s ice castle, Elsa’s outfits and the animated creation of snowflakes were a joy to watch – well done, guys!
I didn’t like: a complete lack of internal logic of the plot, trolls as freaky cupids, the snowman (creep alert!) and the long, dull songs performed instead of witty dialogues.
Disney, you get some points for trying but there’s plenty of room for improvement.