Movie review: Jupiter Ascending directed by the Wachowskis


Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) was born under signs that predicted future greatness, but her reality as a woman consists of cleaning other people’s houses and endless bad breaks. Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered hunter, arrives on Earth to locate her, making Jupiter finally aware of the great destiny that awaits her: Jupiter’s genetic signature marks her as the next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

My impressions:

It is a 2015 American–Australian space opera film written, produced, and directed by Lana and Andy Wachowski. Do you remember ‘Matrix’? Yes, that Wachowski.

The next incarnation of your little Cinderella is called Jupiter Jones. A daughter of an astronomer killed by Russian thugs (and rightly so, he was soooo stupid, observing stars in the middle of a city), she has to clean other people’s houses for a living, poor kitten. She does it with her Russian mommy who used to be a mathematician and wear fox fur hats but somehow decided to immigrate to the USA  and slid down the social ladder faster than you can say ‘Barrack Obama’. The revenge of the foxes I suppose. Still Jupiter, while feeling so hard-done-by, could afford a bit of make-up, hennaed and waxed eyebrows and a smartphone, go figure. She had also a big surprise coming – being a valuable DNA material of the royal kind she met Channing Tatum a.k.a. Prince Alien Charming, wearing blonde beard. He came with a real bang and saved her life instead of an introduction. Mind you in the last. Possible. Moment. Who wouldn’t like to be rescued by him, boys and girls? Oh, and the sentient aliens arrived as well – in many forms and varieties. Sometimes they even wore gravity boots (I want these). Apart from that Tatum was friendly with Sean Bean – how could it be any cooler? – and near the end he was given another accessory straight from a paradise – SPOILER highlight to read the wings.

Overall the movie had three undeniable assets. First, you could write a review while watching it without any problems; second, you could skip a scene or two without losing anything important because it was as predictable as your average pop song chorus. Third: you didn’t have to think. At all. The baddies were ugly, the white hats were nice, muscled, handsome and brave so you could recognize who is who at once. Add to that the fact that Channing was spending a lot of screen time with his torso completely naked and you have an instant recipe for a Hollywood blockbuster. But not a good movie. Pass that slice of pizza, pepperoni and mushrooms, double cheese no meat. Yeah, a bit of pineapple can’t hurt either. No coke for me, just water. By the way would it actually kill a Hollywood director to make a space opera movie in which the lizards and monsters were good and humanoids bad, no exceptions? Just once? Oh, it would. I see. No further questions.

Finally the poster: it seems Channing is sniffing her hair. A new conditioner perhaps? ;p

Final verdict:

Pleasing to the eye but narratively befuddled – only for avid fans of Channing Tatum, space ships and aliens. Even Eddie Redmayne cast as an antagonist couldn’t save it. If you have to watch it prepare some quality fast food – it will be your consolation prize.

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11 Responses to Movie review: Jupiter Ascending directed by the Wachowskis

  1. heidenkind says:

    “and slid down the social ladder faster than you can say ‘Barrack Obama’” LOLOLOLOLOL

    I heard this movie was so bad it was good..ish.

  2. blodeuedd says:

    Well he is a dog so of course he sniffs her hair, lol

  3. Melfka says:

    After watching “Honest Trailers” for this movie on Youtube, I thought I don’t really have to spend any more time on the movie and your review seems to confirm it.

  4. Carole Rae says:

    Hahaha….the foxes finally get revenge.
    I could use for a brainless movie while sipping on some Mike’s Hard Lemonade while oogling Channing. *nods*

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