Starring: Paul Bettany (Archangel Michael), Lucas Black (Jeep), Adrianne Palicki (Charlie the waitress), L.A., Kyle (Tyrese Gibson)
When a group of strangers at a dusty roadside diner come under attack by demonic forces, their only chance for survival lies with an archangel named Michael, who informs a pregnant waitress that her unborn child is humanity’s last hope – a new messiah.
The Apocalypse (or Armageddon, whatever makes you more scared) according to Hollywood, B grade version (at times even partially C), goes like that.
Your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere ( which usually means New Mexico unless you want bears, racoons and forests; then it might be Canada). The tv and the radio go silent. Forget about the Internet – there is no phone service, including cell and landlines. Sweet elderly ladies show their shark teeth and are able to bite through your throat (not surprising, really). A waitress is pregnant and nobody knows the father (common enough, I know, but wait, there’s more – she smokes during her pregnancy, ha!). A super-angel lands in Los Angeles and he is able to find designer clothes his size in the first building he visits – a firearms warehouse. A miracle? Maybe but you’ll never know what those Chinese are smuggling on the side.
Inside a lonely, dusty diner situated on the outskirts far, far away the cream of the humankind will stand together and be strong. I give you, ladies and gentlemen: a veteran slightly off his kilter, his shy son who knows nothing about the cars but can make a decent cradle, the pregnant waitress mentioned above, a middle class mother and her unruly daughter who hate each other until they don’t, a divorced black gangster who misses his son, a black short order cook who is there just to be cannon fodder and the archangel extraordinaire with guns (notably: no Asians, no Latinos, no Native Americans, no Jews, no gays – all those groups have already been doomed forever). Then all the hell is let loose: ice-cream men come to kill you, ordinary people are being possessed by demons (but don’t worry, that handsome dude with tats and a lot of guns is there to protect you) and you can’t trust even little kids (and rightly so because they are shifty little monkeys).
Finally everybody is attacked by an angel proper – bullet-proof wings, a mechanical mace and all other bells and whistles. Why he is armed up to his teeth? Because…he wants to kill the newborn baby. Only he can’t. That’s the baby magic – they are untouchable in American movies. In a cosmic duel between two archangels wins hope (not spoiling anything here so don’t shout at me) and then things get even uglier because yes, the director gave himself a chance for earning more money (*wink, wink* a sequel). I suppose, our brave waitress is going to face an epic challenge – how to raise a child messiah without power, the Internet, McDonalds, ready meals and disposable nappies.
EWWWWW… I’ve heard there is a televised continuation of this one. Now I wonder what all those nasty demons were doing seeing the angels fighting between themselves – they were probably sitting in a hell hole, drinking single malt whiskey and howling with laughter. Just like me. ^-^