Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) has been saved from a death row by Alan Rikkin
(Jeremy Irons), a mysterious CEO so obsolete that he still wears a black turtleneck and thinks he looks cool. His lovely daughter, Sophia (Marion Cotillard), with a hardly better sense of fashion, is the lead scientist at Rikkin’s company, Abstergo Industries. It’s Sophia who has arranged and now is overseeing a strange experiment: Callum gets strapped into an airborne harness that looks like a dental X-ray machine from hell, with a monitor implanted in the back of his neck. The apparatus called ‘Animus’ zaps him back through time to channel the memories of Aguilar de Nerha, his ancestor and the member of the Assassin’s Creed. Callum’s mission is to find the hidden location of the Apple of Eden (“the seed of mankind’s first disobedience” – oh really?), which is somehow connected to the famous words of Christopher Columbus. Who discovered America. Or so is thought.
Imagine an illegitimate child of “The Matrix” and “The DaVinci Code” adopted by “Hamlet” out of pity and you roughly get an idea what this movie is about. It’s another forgettable video-game spinoff with a script like a sieve. Nothing made sense, not even one single premise, including the story behind ‘the Apple of Eden’ and ugly, controlling, rich Knights Templar.
Shot in somber sci-fi Renaissance tones, “Assassin’s Creed” has a cast that’s ten times classier than it would be needed. What’s worse, it’s deeply self-conceited about 15th-century Spain during the Inquisition, which means a lot of solemn religious voodoo, controlling priests and obligatory burning at the stake. Not even fantastic pyrotechnics and Michael Fassbender, the ultimate special-effect actor cast as a bare-chested historic warrior dude in leather, could save this one. I grew so bored that during some super-duper fighting scenes I went to the kitchen to make tea. Somehow I wasn’t in a particular hurry to return and finish watching. I also didn’t want to move back the film and check who died. I didn’t care. I suppose playing the game might be much more exciting.
One funny moment? Easy – one of daddy Rikkin’s minions asked Cal if he knew what the word ‘assassin’ means. I was waiting for the rest of that dialogue with bated breath. Cal didn’t answer, indicating that he didn’t but, strangely enough the minion didn’t explain anything either. Maybe he didn’t know himself or he didn’t want to teach his enemy, ha!
Do you want to see a semi-naked Fassbender suspended in midair, dangling from a hydraulic arm straight from a cybernetic nightmare? Do you think that image will keep you entertained for about two hours? Then borrow “Assassin’s Creed” and watch it, preferably at home. You might want to make tea in the middle of the movie. ;p